" God Is Unbothered "

I just want to encourage my fertility sisters to not give up on their dream of becoming a mother. Your “predestined one” is on the way. I know that in this season of your life you feel like God is unbothered by your fertility struggles. It even appears like your wanting to conceive and become a mother is not at the top of His “to do” list. You’ve prayed, cried, believed, prayed, and cried some more, memorized scriptures to affirm your faith in conceiving, and yet, it feels like God has forgotten about your request - one of your most inner desires-motherhood. Oh the contrary! It may appear that God is unbothered by your longing to become a mother, but He hears you. He knows your heart’s desire before you even make them known to Him. He’s there listening to every prayer, looking at every tear that has dropped from your eyes, knows every emotion that you’re feeling at the moment that you experience it, see’s the emotional scar that was left by that miscarriage; that ectopic; that unexpected still birth; and chemical pregnancy. He knows and He’s there, and He cares! Although He may seem very distant, and unresponsive to your heart’s desire….He’s there, and He knows, and cares about you. As a matter of fact, He was there when you became so heartbroken about your fertility diagnosis. He was there when you FINALLY got your BFP (Big Fat Positive), but in the blink of an eye your excitement about becoming a mother turned into indescribable disappointment and grief after being told that the pregnancy was tubal, or you’d miscarried, or that no heartbeat could be found. He WAS there! So, you began your journey of trying to attain motherhood all over again, only to keep getting disappointed by bad news. You then think, “When will it end?” “Why does God keep allowing this to happen to me?” “Why me, Lord?” Does this sound familiar to anyone? Am I the only one who’s experienced such heartbreak, grief, and disappointment while trying to believe God for their “predestined one?” I remember after my second ectopic pregnancy, I was soo heartbroken! I also began to question God, and His love for me. To be brutally honest, my heart became harden towards God. I stop praying, I stop spending time with Him, and I didn’t study my word. Consequently, I became spiritually weak, starved, and malnourished, while my lower nature (flesh) was having its way with my emotions. Instead of keeping my eyes on Christ, praying, mediating on His word, so that He could feel me up, make me whole, and heal my broken heart, I’d become bitter, angry, jealous of other mothers who’d conceived with no problem, and discontent. I allowed Satan to use my struggle with infertility, and what I’d experienced as a result, to take my eyes off of Jesus. I allowed him to plant seeds of untruth about God into my head-“He doesn’t love you,” He’s forgotten about you,” He doesn’t care about you,” What kind of person would allow you to conceive and take it away from you?” These are all of the things that the enemy used to separate me further from Jesus, and I fell for it. I should have been drawing closer to God , even in the mist of my anger, resentment, jealousy, bitterness, ectopics, disappointment, confusion, along with everything else I was feeling, this was the time to really cling to Him like never before! Sister, don’t allow satan to use your struggle with infertility as a conduit to diminish your faith and relationship with Jesus. This is the time, more than ever, for you to CLING TO HIM!! Draw close to Him through prayer, reading your word, and anything else that makes you feel close to Him. Don’t allow infertility to rip you from the Father. Because then, you will find yourself walking around in your flesh-bitter, angry, quick-tempered etc all due to infertility’s diagnosis. DO NOT give infertility that much power! Infertility doesn’t deserve our peace, joy, strength, love, contentment, and most importantly, our relationship with the One who keeps us sane, and gives all those mentioned above. I’ve been there, and it IS NOT worth it! When you find yourself letting your struggles with conception get to you, sit at the foot of Jesus, and cast your cares on Him, because he cares, and will maintain you (Psalm 55:22). Contrary to your belief, what bothers you bothers Him. Now that I reflect back to that dark place that I was in at that season of my life; it was preparing me for this moment right now; to encourage, uplift, and be a testament to God’s faithfulness to my desire for motherhood. I can now tell you not to allow your faith to be loss because of infertility. Sisters, know that God is concerned about, and interested in this struggle that you’re experiencing. I mean why wouldn’t He, when He was the one who created you in your mother’s womb, and knows your life from beginning to end. So, OF COURSE He’s bothered, and concerned. He hears your prayers, and sees your faith in Him, and will honor that! He will give you the desire of your heart! And, when you find yourself feeling jealous of another expecting mother-pray for her, and that baby that she’s carrying! In your praying for her, God can work on your heart. He’ll begin to soften your heart towards that individual. I prayed a LOT of prayers for those that I knew personally, or not that were expecting. It changed my heart toward them, and I was able to take focus off of myself, and pray earnestly for someone else’s happy and healthy pregnancy, because I would want someone to pray for me if I were expecting. Was it easy all the time? No. But was it necessary? Yes! So, just know that I’m praying for you! I pray that God will open your womb and give you a healthy baby, and pregnancy. I pray that He will unhardened and heal your heart, and remove any bitterness, anger, discontentment, and jealousy. I pray that you will keep your eyes on Him, and trust Him in this difficult season of your life. Your PREDESTINED ONE is one the way!!!!! With Lots of Love, Tiffany

Patience Growth

I’m so grateful for God’s infinite patience with me, prayerful that others will have it for me, and know that I could work on giving it as quickly as I receive it from God and others. He’s really showing me the truth that when I pray and wait for Him to work in any situation, in another person, or in myself, I will have His perfect outcome. For the past couple of months Caleb has been learning to walk. This developmental milestone has taken much longer than I anticipated. Reflecting back to when he turned 1 year old adjusted (March 2014) and 15 months actual (June 2014), I just knew that he’d be attempting to take steps by the time he was 15 months old adjusted and 18 months actual. To my surprise, Caleb was still crawling at this time. Furthermore, he wasn’t even attempting to walk, and was just beginning to cruise. I became overwhelmed with the need for patience. I’d seen several of my facebook friends sharing videos of their babies walking, the same age as Caleb adjusted, on my timeline and my need for patience would overtake me even more. Additionally, whenever I’d go somewhere and see another 12-15 month old child walking so effortlessly my need was even greater. Although, I knew that my son was a preemie playing “catch up,” I still wanted, so badly, for him to begin walking, and thought that he’d be attempting to, since term babies usually begin walking somewhere between 11-14 months. However, even in considering his adjusted age, this wasn’t the case for my son. Instead of worry, stress, or letting my need for patience get the best of me, I took this issue to God. I knew that He had a plan for Caleb’s life. Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” I prayed, “God strengthen Caleb’s body, and help him walk as you’ve created him to do, and in the time you’ve appointed.” Patience could know perform its work in my life, because I knew that God’s plan for my son-including when he’d walk and meet other developmental milestones for that matter, were in His hands. I would share my feelings about wanting Caleb to walk, and how I believed he’d be walking by now with family and friends. All of them would say the same thing to me: “Be patient. Don’t compare your child to another child. He’ll walk when it’s time for him to walk.” Here we are 90 days later, and patience has paid off! Caleb can now stand unsupported, and is beginning to take steps, and walks alone a little. Although, I know learning to walk for Caleb was normal, because I’d been anxious about it and prayed, nonetheless I received the answer to my prayer. He’s now 18 months adjusted and 21 months actual beginning to walk. Waiting wasn’t easy, but it’s what God needed me to do instead. He needed me to exercise patience, and wait for Caleb to walk, partially, because I would’ve demanded the doctors and therapist take a closer look into a problem that didn’t exist, and ultimately because Caleb just needed MORE time. To my sisters, God just wants us to be patient while he’s working in us, in others that we’re paying for, and in our situations. When we exercise patience, we allow God’s hand to create a masterpiece of a testimony in us, in others we’re praying for, and in our situations. Prayer and patience is important. Philippians 4:6-7 says, “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” James 1:4 says, “But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.” As I continue to watch Caleb learn to walk alone and develop his gross motor skills, I get so ecstatic! Can you imagine how our Heavenly Father feels when he observes our spiritual development? Thank you God for your patience with us!

Overcoming Fear of Illness for My Former Micropreemie

With so much in the media about Enterovirus EV-D68 and Ebola, it’s only natural to get fearful and wonder how you can keep you and your family safe.  I have found myself getting a little nervous, and frustrated at the same time, about the outbreaks.  I’m specifically frustrated about the Enterovirus, as I have a former 25 week old preemie with Chronic Lung Disease, because I know that respiratory problems appear to be the hallmark of EV-D68. It starts out like a common cold, and then can progress to coughing, difficulty breathing, wheezing, and fever.  Needless to say, I’m not enthused about this new virus.   As a parent of a former 25 weeker, not only do I have to worry about Respiratory Syncytial Virus (RSV), but I also have to fight to protect him from this present Enterovirus outbreak.  So, my feelings of frustration and worry are valid.  Mother’s of preemies fight hard to keep their babies, and toddlers protected, and safe from illness, especially during RSV and cold & flu seasons.  We are intentional about sanitizing our hands, ensuring that family and friends wash, and sanitize their hands, and are well before visitation to our homes. We put all of these necessary precautionary steps in to place to keep them healthy, because the affects of illness on our babies, and toddlers are much worst.  Additionally, it feels that our fight as mothers never ends, as we fight against our specific diagnosis of infertility to conceive our predestined babies, we fight to maintain a healthy viable pregnancy once we’ve conceived, and then we fight to keep our babies healthy, whether pre-term or not.  The fight never ends!  However, I take solace in knowing that I don’t have to fight alone.  Actually, I really don’t have to fight at all.  Because, there’s one that’s all knowing, all powerful, and sovereign, and He will fight and protect us from any sickness and disease that comes for me.  He will protect me, and my family from ALL hurt, harm, and danger.  His word says in Exodus 14:14, “The Lord himself will fight for you.  Just stay calm.”  I can stay calm, and know that God is fighting for family and me to remain healthy.  I can walk in peace, and trust his word.  Even in those moments, when my human nature wants to remind me of the threat of illness in this world, I have to sit at the feet of Jesus, and give Him my concerns, worries, and frustration-take steps of prevention, and leave it at His feet, and walk in peace.  Satan wants to have us fearful, worried, and stressed out. He desires for us to take our eyes off of Jesus-the one who protects us, and keeps us calm in the midst of illness and disease in this world.  I don’t know about you, but I chose to trust God’s protection in my life regardless of what my human nature tells me, or I see.  I want and trust God’s protection.  I want Him to shield, and protect my son from RSV and EV-D68.  I want Him to protect us from all sickness, and disease, and believe that He watches over and protects us as said in Psalms 121:7-“The Lord keeps you from all harm and watches over your life.” So, let us not fret, but let’s pray for our families, trust God’s protection, and remain calm; walking in the peace of God. 

Xoxo

Caleb's 1st Halloween

Today Caleb enjoyed his first Halloween at home with Derek and I! We dressed him in his little cute pumpkin bodysuit and took lots of pictures. While we don't believe in the traditional way of celebrating Halloween - ghosts, goblins, spirits, etc, we celebrated positively - baking cookies and watching movies, making it all about family time!! 

HELLO WORLD!!!!

Hello everyone!  This isn't mommy updating you this evening....it's, me, Caleb!  I noticed that mommy hasn't been on to update you guys since November of last year.  At that time, she was extremely tired A LOT  as I was taking all of her energy to grow.  Well, now I'm here, and she's still exhausted!  Yeah, I know.  You're thinking "What?"  "It's only March 12th.  "You're not supposed to arrive until March 28th!  I know, I know, but I decided to make my debut early.  Let me explain that story.  Well, mommy and daddy went to her dr appt with the perinatologist on December 5th and was told that she had an incompetent cervix.  She was also told that she'd dilated 1cm and had a bulging bad of water.  So, needless to say mommy was put on strict hospital bed rest for the rest of her pregnancy with me.  She was immediately admitted.  I remember that day as well because I begin to hear mommy crying, and daddy consoling her.  After all, I was only 23 weeks +6 days old.  Mommy had been trying her hardest to ensure that she would not have to ever be put on bed rest while she was carrying me, but due to her incompetent cervix she was put on bed rest.  The nurses began to get information from her, and put Iv's in her arm.  There were also a lot of doctors from the NICU that came to speak with mommy and daddy to share with them what to expect in the event that mommy had me premature.  The stories that were shared with mommy and daddy scared mommy a lot.  I even heard her cry a little bit.  But, daddy would always be there to console her.  I would hear him tell her  that "Everything will be alright;" "God's got us."  Daddy was good at comforting and consoling mommy because she would always get a little calmer after daddy would hug her and console her.  I love my daddy! Then, daddy made phone calls to family and friends and mommy's employer to inform everyone of what was transpiring.  Finally, mommy was placed in a room to get a little rest.  The drs and nurses told her that she's to stay in bed, but could get up to use the bedside potty.  She was also told to lay flat down in bed to keep gravity and pressure off of her cervix.  I must say, mommy followed the drs orders.  In a few days my granny Linda came down from MS to be with mommy and to help care for mommy as daddy was getting sick and couldn't stay at the hospital with mommy because he didn't want to get mommy and me sick.  I was happy when granny Linda came.  I could hear her talking to mommy, encouraging mommy a lot.  I can't wait to meet my granny Linda!  Mommy eventually was instructed to lie in the trandelenburg position ( feet up; head down) as she keep dilating.  Eventually, she dilated to 4cm, almost 5cm, and continued to have some tinged bleeding after urinating (Sorry if TMI).  The drs then informed that she's to not use the bedside potty anymore, but to use a urinal.  So, mommy did everything in bed....sleep, eat, brush her teeth, bathe, comb her hair, use the laptop, EVERYTHING!!  Our OBGYN would come to mommy everyday to check on her.  But, I remember this one night, December 17th, mommy had just finished using the restroom and noticed a little blood on her tissue.  The nurse called our dr and he came to check on mommy and me.  He examined mommy, and explained to her that everything looked fine, but with her having dilated almost 5cm it was in her best interest for me to be delivered the next morning.  At this point I was 25 weeks + 5 days old in the breech position.  I heard the dr tell mommy that he and the high risk OBGYN would much rather it be a controlled delivery versus mommy go into labor and they have to do everything in an emergency.  The drs didn't want that scenario for mommy and me, because we were a high risk pregnancy as mommy has a blood clotting disorder, and had to be switched from her lovenox to heparin while in the hospital.  They did the switch just in case mommy went into labor.  Thank God she didn't!  So, the decision was made to have me via a C-section the next morning, December 18th.  The drs told mommy that her heparin would be stopped at 11PM and that she couldn't have anything to eat or drink after that time.   She was also told that someone from L&D would be up to get her at 5am to prep her for my birth.  Mommy was nervous and a little sad that she didn't get a little further along carrying me.  She was scared and sent out many messages to family and friends asking for their prayers for she and I.  It was going to be my birthday!  Daddy was still at the hospital visting with mommy and granny Linda and eventually went home to check on a cute dog that they call Duke.  I haven't met him, yet, but I can't wait to play with him and see what he looks like!  Mommy didn't get any sleep that night.  She was too anxious about this BIG surgery that she was going to have to have to get me here, and it was all happening at an unexpected time.  Mommy was also afraid that she was going to have to be given general anesthesia during the c-section. She was not very happy about this.  The dr told her that she may be able to get a spinal, but they would inform her of the decision that morning.  Daddy then came back to the hospital and was up for a while.  He too was anxious about my unexpected delivery the next day.  Daddy prayed for mommy and me.  My granny prayed for mommy and I as well.  The next morning the L&D people came to take mommy to labor and delivery.  There was a lot going on.  Mommy was given some kind of a medicine that made her hot.  She didn't like it at all.  She also had a catether put in for the c-section.  Needless to say, mommy didn't like that either.  I heard her make a noise from the pain.  Then, the anesthesiologist  came in to speak with mommy about what was going to happen once we got into the OR.  By the way, mommy was able to get a spinal, instead of general anesthesia.  Once in OR,   the anesthesiologist gave mommy her spinal and was laid onto the table.  The other drs then came into the room.  After everything was set up, daddy came into the room.  I heard him talking to mommy, and asking if she was okay.  Finally, surgery started at 7:30AM and I was born at approximately 8:05AM.  I came out of my mommy's tummy crying and weighing 2lbs 1oz, 12in long!  Yes, I was crying even at 25 weeks old.  It wasn't a huge cry, but a little, light cry.  Daddy and mommy heard me, and mommy asked daddy if that was me crying.  Daddy said yes, and they both began to get excited and cry.  Daddy came right over to my table and took a picture of me.  Daddy, followed me to NICU, while they finished up with mommy in the OR.  So, all and all, it was a good day!  But, I had a long road ahead of me.  The next few weeks of my life were very stressful and emotional for my parents as they had to see me with all of those tubes and wires connected to me in NICU.  Mommy didn't get to visit with me until the next day, December 19th.  I was happy to hear my mommy's voice and to smell her in my room as I was taken from a comfortable, cozy, dark place inside of my mommy, and placed into this new, loud, not as cozy, unfamiliar place that was not my mommy.  So, I was happy to have her at my side finally.  Since my birth, I've had lots of test run, taken lots of medicines, and overcame a lot!  I'm now 37 weeks +5 days old (gestation) .  I'm 12 weeks old today (from my birthdate), and I'll be 3 months old on Monday, March 18th.  I've come a VERY LONG way.  I'm currently taking 64 ml of breast milk.  I LOVE my mommy's milk!  It's soooo tasty!  And, it's helped me a lot since I've been born!  A few weeks ago my feedings were alternated between high protein formula and breast milk.  I had to do this because my nutrition was low.  My calcium and protein levels were really low. My low calcium  lead to me having very fragile bones.  So, the nurses had to put a sign on my bed that read "Please handle with care, I have fragile bones."  But, now I am taking only my mommy's milk again,and my calcium and protein levels are up where they should be!  However, I'm still on my ventilator that gives me some oxygen as I can breathe on my own some, but still need the vent because my lungs were inflamed and had some fluid on them.  A week ago I was given steroids for my lungs to get better, so that I could get off of this vent!  As of today, my oxygen levels are in the 20's and I'm getting 12 breaths per minute from the the vent.  So, I'm doing pretty good!  I should be trying the CPAP soon.  I've tried it twice before, but didn't tolerate it too well because my lungs weren't ready.  However, I think I'm ready now!  It's time to say bye bye to that stinky vent.  No more intubation for me soon!  Needless to say, mommy and daddy are soo proud of me!  They tell me all the time! For the last few days, I haven't seen my mommy because she has bee sick with a nasty cold.  That's what daddy tells me.  Daddy and mommy usually visit with me together, but daddy's been coming alone since mommy's trying to get well before she comes back to visit with me.  I love and miss my visits with mommy because we snuggle up together skin to skin.  I look forward to this time with her the most, and so does she.  Daddy doesn't do the skin to skin with me that often because he and I are very hot natured, and daddy, I think, is a little afraid to.  But, he has swaddle held me a couple of times, and he likes it.  I like it too!  My daddy is soo cool and funny!  He makes me laugh!   I love the both of my parents very much.  I'm sooo glad that God chose them for my parents, and me for their son!  I ask that everyone please keep mommy, daddy, and I in your prayers.  Also, please pray for the doctors and nurses that care for me daily, and all of my pod mates her at the NICU.  They could sure use your prayers too.  Well, it's welllll past my bedtime, so I'm going to go.  But, I will do weekly updates to let everyone know how I'm doing, and what's going on in my life.  I love all of you and to all a good night! 


Love, 
Caleb 

20 Weeks 4 Day Baby Bump!

On Monday, 11/12th, I took my very first baby bump pic!  It seems as if it took forever to noticeable see it with clothing on.  I'm slowly, but surely getting there!  I'm half way through my pregnancy!  As I progress week by week it's definitely blessing....THANK YOU GOD!!

100% TEAM BLUE!!!

So, the anomaly scan went well today. Our little one is all healthy and developing well! He is already in the vertix position. The scan confirmed that we are definitely 100% TEAM BLUE!!! Needless to say, DH is sooo excited to be have our first born be a boy, since all of his brothers have girls. This little one will be the first grandson for DH's family. Now, I can't wait to put him in all 29 of his little cute onesies that we've purchased for him. I met two other women while waiting at the perinatologist today who are also having boys.  This must definitely be the year for the males! Daddy and I can't wait for you to make your arrival Caleb!   We can't wait to see who you will look like...what features you'll take from mommy and daddy...what your hair will look like...your little eyes..toes....fingers...your smile....we cannot wait!  You are truly loved and desired, and we know that you're our little miracle from above.  You snuggle up and hold tight in there, and try not to hurt mommy too much with those kicks and punches you are starting to give!